Random Musings

Here is a short list of the things I've decided I like so far this week.
I like:
1. Men who rap in Spanish. I have been listening to Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas rap in Spanish all night...and it's sexy as hell.
2. The Asparagus Roll at I Love Sushi - around the corner from my house. I've had it twice this week already.
3. Living in a larger city - one that can accomodate great musicians that you can see randomly during the week for like $10. I am going to see K.T. Tunstall and The Fray both for $10 at Birdy's in March.
4. That the Olympics are over on NBC and I can finally get back to the funniest show on television - The Office.
5. T-shirt bras. They seem to have just the right amount of padding and support.
6. That the Warhol Superstars book I've attempted to order and find in print for the past four months is finally available and in.
7. That I don't spend half my workday trying to determine whether or not soy sauce and ketchup have enough sugar in them to qualify them as "sugar items" for Lent. I highly doubt whatever God the people outside my office door are praying to gives a shit. Maybe someone should ask the Pope for his official position on soy sauce.
8. That I don't have to hide my love for Project Runway. I realize that some people just don't understand Anu and I and our undying love of Tim Gunn - but they can "suck it".
9. The new paneling on Jennie's car - which she hid from me, but I can get over it because I love her like a fat kid loves cake.
10. Weirdos.

Dude

This post was prompted by my visit to BP this afternoon. Two men were standing outside their car chatting loudly and this other chick and I were pumping our gas nearby. Idiot #1 says to Idiot #2 "Ask her if that's a keg in her pants?" Idiot #2 "Why?" Idiot #1 "Cause I'd like to tap that ass!" I don't know which one of us they were talking about - nor do I care. It just goes to further the truth that women are the superior species. I don't hear my girlfriends using lines like this (maybe in the car for fun or in one another's ears, but never to an actual man's face).
Why oh why must men use this type of cheesy verbage? At least come up with something weird or spicy that I can respect you for.
So just for future reference - using the following lines will not help you at getting in my pants:
"I'd like to hit that."
"That shirt looks really nice on you. It would look even better crumpled up on my floor."
"You like Pop Tarts? Cause that's what we're having for breakfast tomorrow."
"Hi, my name is ...... Now remember that because you'll be screaming it later."
"What's a sexy woman like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"
"Do you work for UPS? Because I could swear I saw you looking at my package."
"Sorry, I thought that was a braille nametag."

The only man that was ever successful with using a line on me was in 97 in a college bar. He said "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" Noticing my excellent taste in footwear? That's someone I could talk to for hours. Ladies...Jorge...anyone...tell me your favorite lines.

I Know What I'll Be Doing August 4th

Attention Will Ferrell fans! Friday, August 4th marks the opening of his newest comedy - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Incidentally, the opening also coincides with the weekend of the Brickyard 400 in Indianapolis (which I recently learned is the largest speedway in the world). I have a link for the preview and it's a must watch. The movie also stars John C. Reilly, Amy Adams, Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Ali G) and some other SNL castmates. I laughed myself into a coughing fit the first time I watched this clip. So far, we have about 5 girls from my workplace that are set to go see this on it's premiere night.

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/talladeganights/

Up in the Heezy Fo' Sheezy

Thanks to Jennie - I am adding a new link that I think my readers will appreciate - Gizoogle. Which translates all your search inquires into Snoop Dog style answers. Check it Dawg.

www.gizoogle.com

Welcome to Target - Show Me Your Goods

Yesterday after work, I made a visit to my local Super Target for some much needed groceries. When I went in to work that day, it was chilly. When I came out, it was really warm and sunny and felt glorious. So, off went my coat.
While I was checking out, the male cashier was making small talk with me. He said something like "Oh, I am so jealous you get to go outside. I haven't been out since 9 a.m., I'll bet it's nice out". I don't know where my head was at this point - I must have been giddy from the sunshine or buzzed from the Caramel Macchiato I'd just slurped. My response - "Oh yes, it's so warm out. I think I am going to spend the rest of the day with my shirt off". Of course I meant coat! He just looked at me quizzically and smiled and said "Oh, that sounds real nice". Yah, I am sure it does. No wonder people question whether or not I am an exotic dancer in my spare time. Maybe I have a potential career in flashing. And, if I ever decide to pursue flashing - I'll get a bomb-ass coat like this.

If You Don't Like Lost - Get Lost!

I would just like to take a moment to plug the television show Lost on ABC. Last year, I was looking for a good drama to watch while Nip/Tuck was on hiatus. Normally, I hate ABC - they pretty much sealed the deal for me viewing their channel with shows like The Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars and Freddie. Plus, the director J.J. Abrams has been responsible for making movies like Mission Impossible staring Tom Cruise. Yuck-o.
Nevertheless, I tuned in to Lost one night and was hooked. I even went back and watched what I had missed last season on DVD. Lost is a fantastic show for several reasons: the characters are rich and the plotlines are interesting and leave you wanting more. Each episode weaves the present time with a character's backstory. It also has just a smidge of sarcasm and humor thrown in.
Lost-lovers have even created a unofficial show fan forum at: http://www.lost-tv.com/
Just watch one episode and you'll be hooked too - I promise! It's on tonight at 9:00 p.m., so get your snacks ready. I have to eat mine before the show actually starts because I feel an odd sense of guilt munching on cheese and crackers while watching a show about castaways.

Out to Lunch

When you lunch with co-workers and you work for the public health department you can guarantee two things: 1. that your food will be fully cooked 2. that the manager will come out no less than two times to make sure the food and service was to your liking. Everything else is a crapshoot.
Today we went to Bennigan's for La-Risha's birthday. I didn't even know Indianapolis had one. But for those interested, they do have one (in the entire city) and it's attached to a less than lovely Ramada Inn. It felt straight out of Office Space as our waitress had on a t-shirt that said "Leprechauns Have Rights Too" and some pieces of flare. After asking us if we wanted some "Apps", she left for her first of many smoke breaks.
Leo taught our boss what a "cockblocker" is and mentioned that I was good at it. He also used the word "strap-on" during lunch. If you're reading this Leo - you made my lunch. Probably Lindsay's too!
Next, someone in the group asked what a Quesadilla was. Most of my daily readers will easily be able to identify exactly who I am speaking of. Who in the free world doesn't know what a Quesadilla is? I know people from Guam who know what they are.
Finally, the birthday girl bent over and showed the entire restaurant her buttcrack. Thank goodness I'd finished my Bocca burger.

Driving Policies Are No Friend of Mine

Today, employees received a copy of the new H&H Corp. driving policy, of which I am to sign after reading and consenting. Far too often, I think people just sign them without reading and fully taking them into consideration. For this reason, Jennie and I decided to pick apart each detail of the driving policy and decide whether or not we could fully "adhere". Here are just some of the items I take issue with:
1. A Driver may not operate a motor vehicle at any time while impaired, affected or influenced by alcohol, illegal drugs, medication, illness, fatigue or injury. I'll agree with alcohol and illegal drugs, even though I know that's what gets some people through their workday, but medications? Almost all medications I take or I've seen others take say "may cause marked drowsiness". So, am I not supposed to control my allergies or my bladder before coming to work? As if.
2. Drivers shall not carry deadly weapons in, around, or while operating said vehicle. This begs the question: What if I, myself, am considered a deadly weapon? Jennie feels that she could also be put in this category for her Karate skills alone.
3. Employees will conduct themselves in a professional manner at all times: This means no shouting or inappropriate gesturing at other vehicles or people. I feel my shouts and gestures to others during my commute are not only reasonable, but they really define who I am as a person, and they can't take away that freedom, can they?
4. Unless authorized, HHC-owned vehicles shall not be used to conduct personal business? They really need to define "personal business". Is stopping buy McDonald's for a Happy Meal personal business - I consider it nourishment. Is picking up my drycleaning personal business? I consider it necessary for me to come to work looking acceptable. Is a stop at Community Spirits/Liquors personal business? What if it's in the same complex as the drycleaners? I would just call that multi-tasking. And for that type of time management, I feel as if I should be rewarded, not punished.
Other things to be noted:
No "mechanical modifications shall be made" - that means no hydrolics or whistlers, Jennie.
No "items will be hung from visors" - that means no garters or high school graduation tassels.
No "items shall be posted without approval" - that means no "Keep Honking - I'm Reloading" bumper stickers.
It also states that these rules apply whether you're driving a car, a lawn mower, golf cart, earth mover..etc. I guess I'd better put my earth mover back in storage until I have a different job.
Finally, I present this Bassett Hound - who like many at H&H is not in compliance of said policy as he is not only driving recklessly, but without a proper restraint. He also appears to be intoxicated. Someone better check to see if he signed the policy.

A Sure Way to Get April to the Indy 500

Hot off the press from the Indy Star - Patrick Dempsey, star of one of my favorite eighties movies "Can't Buy Me Love" and most recently the television show "Grey's Anatomy" has purchased his own Indy car team.
In the article, Dempsey said he "Feels like a kid in a candy store at the Indy 500." Typically, I'd say I might feel like a kid in cigarette/alcohol store - but now with Patrick Dempsey, Jason Priestly and Dario Franchitti, among others at the 500...I am totally getting the "candy store" vibe. And, I do have to remember that Indy cars and Formula 1 are not Nascar.
I think I might actually hang by the track this year - much like Jennie did when she lived in Speedway.

Senior Citizens ♥ Me

Yesterday, I worked a Heart Alive event at the Indianapolis Senior Citizens Center. My job was to do BMI's and what Emily failed to tell me - hip and waist measurements (this means I had to put my arms around people and lean into their general groin area). I made several new senior friends - but the men in particular seemed to like me.
My new boyfriend Hugh, is about 85 years old and was wearing a lovely sweater vest and too much Lagerfeld cologne (which smelled nice, but was an overkill nonetheless).
He whispered in my ear "You're real pretty" just before I had to measure him and put my head near his crotch. I orginally asked Emily to accompany me to the Senior (Citizens) Prom - but now I think I am going with Hugh, provided he's recovered from his hip surgery in time. Sorry Emily, maybe next year. I am thinking he'll share his AARP card with me and I just can't pass up the chance for the Early Bird special.

April's 30th - Indy Possibility No. 1

Okay, it's 2006 and about time to start planning April's Whirlwind 30th Birthday Tour. There are several choices for Indianapolis - one being the uber-trendy Subterra Lounge. Here is an initial photo. Take the virtual tour at www.subterralounge.com - it appears we can even dance on the banquettes like the Hilton sisters. Let me know what you think.

And Jennie, the "White Carl" rules do not apply here - you will have appropriate high-end clubbing attire ahead of time. Tell Anu to dust off his leather pants, or ask Santino to make him some.

Fun in the Workplace

A true test of whether or not you can enjoy your job is your ability to make and have fun on a regular work day. The above photograph illustrates how to do just that:
1. Find your corporation's HIPPA (Health Information Privacy Practices Act) mascot - Honey the Hippo.
2. Examine her at great lengths to determine just what you can do to her within the realm of decency.
3. Have three people - a lookout (Sarah) a first-hand accomplice (Jennie) and yourself.
4. Pull out her hair and place hair gently under her nose to make a mustache.
5. Leave the stairwell, but stay near the closest door and listen for the fun to begin.
6. Take a photo for posterity.
7. Ask if you can keep the Honey the Hippo for yourself when her run is over. This requires that you make friends in "high" places. Particularly in the Public Relations Department (thanks Pam and Rhonda).

Now - if you want to borrow Honey, she's in my office neatly tucked in a bag. I only ask that you return her in the same condition as borrowed.

Attention Level 5 Dungeon Masters

Just a head's up for this Summer - GenCon (aka Nerdfest) has decided that they will continue to hold their International Gaming Convention in Indianapolis for at least the next five years. Some of you may recall that Jennie and I stumbled upon said festival this August when we were downtown for vegetarian chilli night. We snuck in - which wasn't too difficult - and then decided to go back out to a local convenience store to buy a disposable camera. We saw many, many interesting things including men play fighting in costumes and wearing them around the city. Later we positioned ourselves at a martini bar across the street from the action and continued photographing. Jennie has the film, and I am eagerly awaiting the development so you can see exactly what we saw. So, mark your calendars - and get your Vorpal swords ready.

Above is just an initial example of what/whom you'll find at GenCon.

How Cool is Indianapolis? This Cool.

I'd forgotten that I promised my brother a photo of the madness I saw this Spring when I was making my way to a public health conference. A recent article in the Indy Star reminded me.

As many of you know, Indianapolis played host to the 2005 Annual Star Wars Convention. I love Star Wars, but it's impossible to get down Capitol Ave. when there are literally 1000 Wookies and Storm Troopers standing in your way. Plus, grown men with Yoda backpacks - you gotta love that. The photo above is taken just outside the Indiana State Capitol building. One perk, I actually did get to see George Lucas and Billy Dee Williams up close.

For Your Viewing Pleasure...and Mine

A week or so ago, Jennie and I went to see Underworld: Evolution. For those of you who are questioning how I spend my entertainment dollar, please click on the following link. One of my favorite websites - I Watch Stuff - has provided us with the scene from the movie that makes it really great. You'll have to scroll down a bit, but it's worth it. Now we know why Anu begged to go with us and it wasn't because I offered him half my popcorn. If you have dial-up, you might not be able to run this - and I feel very sad for you.

http://www.iwatchstuff.com/page5.php

New T-Shirts for April

Here is one of the many new t-shirts I want to order - and the website with the other fantastic choices. Jennie's favorite is the one that says "Get Low".

www.noisebot.com

How to Girl Fight - 101

Admittedly, I have never been in a girl fight - I know you are having a hard time believing this, but it's true. Yesterday, I witnessed one as I was pumping my gas on 34th and Sherman. Watching fighting is not typically enjoyable (I consider myself to be a generally peaceful girl) but when it's two grown-ass women duking in it out over a dude - it's certainly interesting. *Here are some key points to remember if you ever find yourself in a girl fight:

1. Try to use the words "trick" and "ho" as many times as possible in the context of one sentence. Example: "Trick you better watch your ho mouth when you're talkin bout my man."

2. Make sure the dude you're squabbling about is present, enjoying a fifth of some type of social lubrication and taking it all in.

3. Long, fake nails help to poke someone in the chest and they say "I mean business or biznass" - which in my opinion, only helps your case.

4. Do not have a weave or extensions done the night or day of the girl fight - as the other person will be forced to either make fun of it or use it to tug you into a headlock. If you have long hair already, secure it with a ponytail.

5. If you are asked to "throw down" - make sure you have something prepared to throw...down. I would suggest a fun, clever item like Jello Pudding or Rice Krispie Treats. Those items suggest that you are both playful and will promulgate your good taste.

6. If all else fails, settle the man dispute with a coin toss. Make sure you utilize an onlooker to toss it for accuracy and fairness.

*This post in no way advocates fighting - it's merely a 'just in case' post. Now go hug someone.

My Own Version of the "Get to Know You" Quiz

For longer than I care to recall, I've been receiving these email forwards from people that ask a bunch of random questions in order to 'get to know you' better. Most of these questions are so "vanilla" they make me question the sender's sanity. I mean, how much can you really tell about someone based on the knowledge that their favorite color is Purple and they prefer cheese on their burgers? Boring. So, I've devised the following 10 questions for my own amusement and in an attempt to better get to know people. And, for your entertainment, I'll answer them as well.

1. Have you ever been streaking? Through the quad and into the gymnasium? If so, details.
Me: Sadly, I have never officially been streaking. I have taken my top off and run across the lawn, but I think you have to be totally nude for it to count as real streaking.

2. Do you prefer Gophers or Llamas?
Me: Llamas - if only for the fact they can be both petted and ridden.

3. Fill in the blank: "If you don't find _____ funny, we probably shouldn't continue to be friends.
Me: Steve Carrell

4. Please tell me a quote you've used at least twice in the last 24 hours?
Me: "There was so much ass-kissing in that room, they should have handed out Chapstick at the door."

5. Name 3 types of people you don't trust:
Me: 1. People who vote Republican. 2. People who collect stickers. 3. People who have sex with clowns.

6. If we got in your car right now - what song would be blasting at an obnoxious level?
Me: Juelz Santana "There it Go".

7. What, in your opinion, is the best sex scene in a non-x-rated movie?
Me: Tie between Maggie Gyllenhal & James Spader in "Secretary" because the spanking is extraodinary and Rob Lowe and Demi Moore in "About Last Night" for very obvious reasons - if you've seen the movie.

8. Have you ever dated or had intimate relations with someone with a criminal history?
Me: Not directly. But I once dated a guy in college whose Dad was in the mafia. Which I didn't realize until I asked why we always had a beefy, male escort who drove in a black Lincoln Town Car behind us on our dates. He later served time in a Federal prison for racketeering.

9. How many times have you used the word "boo" this week?
Me: At the very minimum - 10.

10. What is the best make-out song of all time and why?
Me: Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry". First of all, it's a long-ass song - so you'll get a longer make-out time. Secondly, the album version is raw and gritty...and so should making out.

Now it's your turn.