I'm No Astronaut - But Damn I Love Space Ice Cream!

When I was a kid, the Baylis family traveled several times to Cape Canaveral in Florida to see Kennedy Space Center. While my brother bided his time being scared to death he'd be eaten by gators - I kept my eye on the prize - Space Ice Cream. It's a delicious treat for several reasons:
One, it never melts on your hands...only in your mouth. Secondly, it always comes in the ever-so-glorious Neopolitan flavor - a bit of chocolate, a bit of vanilla and a bit strawberry - whatever your fancy. And finally, it's portable and never goes bad.

Now, here's the even better part: You don't have to travel to Florida to get it. You don't even have to order it from Kennedy Space Center (don't think I haven't considered this people). You don't have to drive to the Indianapolis Children's Museum (which I've done). You don't have to visit the Discovery Store at Keystone (which I've also done).

You just need to take a ride to your local Dick's Sporting Good Store, because it's called Freeze Dried Ice Cream for Campers, it's $1.99 and it's always readily available (unless I've just been there). In fact, I had to travel to Dick's today, for another sporting reason, mind you. Now, sitting before me is a package of the delicious wonder - and two more packages in my cabinet. Stay away! Go get your own - You won't even have to enroll in the Space Program at Nasa.

Royal Dansk Cookies Are Neither Royal Nor Cookies

Today, I received some hand lotion from my Holiday Friend. Robin got a $1/freebie tin of Royal Dansk Cookies...which I highly doubt anyone Royal would eat. In fact, after investigating this evening online, I have found that Royal Dansk Cookies are only available through Dollar Stores, Office Supply Catalogs and Senior Cititzen Centers. One ounce of greatness, Robin got the Collector's Tin, not the general Dansk Tin (pictured above)...So, at least that was a bonus. Now she has a decorated tin she can store her other Secret Santa crap in. So, for those of you counting, Robin has officially received:
*A Broken Candy Cane (Which We Found Out Was a Mercy Gift from Another Co-Worker)
*A Sixer of Ho Ho Ho Cola
*A No-Name Brand Summer Sausage Set Complete with Red Plastic Handling Tray
*A Collector's Edition Tin of Royal Dansk Cookies
*2 Yellow Office Sticky Notes Reading "Secret Santa Gift"
*1 Ripped Brown Bag (Which the Summer Sausage Was In)

A Summer Sausage in the Winter - Also Known As "Dear Robin's Secret Santa, You Suck!"

The Chronic Disease Department (which I am now a part of) does a Secret Holiday Gift Exchange every year. I must say that I adore my lovely Secret Holiday Friend, and I myself, am being a good one as well. Robin is not so lucky. First of all, the rules state that you should kindly leave your person one small gift each week for three weeks. The first week, I got a lovely Cinnamon Bun candle - Robin got squat. Last week, I received a cool photo frame and some candy bars. Robin got some cheap-ass sixer of Ho Ho Ho Cola with a yellow sticky note attached that just read "Secret Santa". Not even a "To", "From", "Happy Holidays -Enjoy" or a "Hey Douchebag - Here's Your F-ing Gift". It should also be noted that this Secret Santa has the handwriting of a serial killer.

Today, Robin received the mother of all gifts - a dollar store Summer Sausage giftpack, complete with processed cheese spreads, fake-fish crackers and some craptastic teabags. It's not even Hickory Farms for Santa's Sake! It also suspiciously looked outdated. Poor Robin. She is really leaving thoughtful gifts for her person, only to be given junk from a person who obviously only wanted to participate so "she" would receive some good stuff. Yes, I have deduced it down to a "she" and a particular "she" at that.

So, I've planned to supplement Robin with some gifts from me to make up for this individual's lack of Holiday class. And if you see Robin (she'll be the one looking glum while gagging down a Ho Ho Ho Cola) wish her a Happy Holiday and throw her a dollar or something so she can buy herself a real gift.

But on a much lighter note, VH1 presented a great documentary last night entitled "So Jewtastic". Check it out here: (http://www.vh1.com/) and definitely find out when it replays, because it's humorous and highly enlightening. I should have taped this for my former co-workers so that they could see more evidence that religions other than Christianity do exist...and they also celebrate Holidays.

Be a Hero in Five Minutes or Less

The earthquake that hit Pakistan and India in October not only killed 73,000 people, but also destroyed hospitals and clinics and left over 40,000 pregnant women without access to doctors or midwives. With winter there, many of these women still lack medical care. The United Nations Populations Fund is offering kits with essentials like a razor for cutting the umbilical cord and a plastic sheet for the mother to lie on. Your $10 gift to UNFPA's humanitarian fund can buy eight kits.

I encourage you to go to their site and make a donation.
www.americansforunfpa.org

All Aboard! Next Stop...Urinetown!

Yesterday, we went with a group of friends to see a play version of "A Christmas Story", also known as the "You'll shoot your eye out!" Christmas Story. The play was fantastic and very well acted. During intermission, I was perusing my playbill and decided to read a bit about the actors. I discovered that one of the lead actors had quite a lucrative career before his latest role in "A Christmas Story." In fact, his last acting gig was the lead in a musical called "Urinetown." After the play, I alerted the group we were with about said actor's previous stint and it was decided that I, with my expert detective skills, should get to the bottom of this! So, for all those interested, I present a brief synopsis of...Urinetown:

"One of the most uproariously funny musicals in recent years, URINETOWN is a hilarious tale of greed, corruption, love, and revolution in a time when water is worth its weight in gold. In a Gotham-like city, a terrible water shortage, caused by a 20-year draught, has led to a government-enforced ban on private toilets. The citizens must use public amenities, regulated by a single malevolent company that profits by charging admission for one of humanity's most basic needs. Amid the people, a hero decides he's had enough, and plans a revolution to lead them all to freedom! Inspired by the works of Bertolt Brecht and Kurt Weill, URINETOWN is an irreverently humorous satire in which no one is safe from scrutiny. Praised for reinvigorating the very notion of what a musical could be, URINETOWN catapults the “comedic romp” into the new millennium with its outrageous perspective, wickedly modern wit, and sustained ability to produce gales of unbridled laughter."

I know I'll be first in line at the ticket counter when Urinetown comes back to Indianapolis...will you?

Additionally, some of the actors had played roles in yet another classic I was unaware of, "A Tuna Christmas." When I googled this play/musical, I was expecting something very different, nay disturbing. Here is what I found:

"Seasons Greeting from A Tuna Christmas, the hilarious sequel to the hit comedy, Greater Tuna, starring the original cast, Joe Sears and Jaston Williams. Come spend the holidays with all your old favorite citizens of Tuna, Texas and make some new friends while you're there. Master comedians Sears and Williams, along with some split-second costume changes, portray all 24 citizens of Texas' third smallest town, where the Lion's Club is too liberal and Patsy Cline never dies."

One could only hope that Urinetown and A Tuna Christmas can someday be seen as a double feature.

The GWPBF - It Could Happen to You!

Almost everyone has received a GWP (perhaps a garish colored lipstick or a Ralph Lauren duffel bag) at least once in their lifetime - either by choice or (something new for me) by force. Today, I experienced a GWPBF (Gift with Purchase by Force). Here's how it all went down.

I went to Sally Beauty Supply to procure a new hairdryer. I knew exactly what I wanted and where it was. If any of you have ever been into a Sally's, getting in and getting out as fast as humanly possible is key. I grabbed the dryer and proceeded to the checkout with no one else in front of me. The cashier scans my purchase, then takes a glance at the flyer at her register to see if there was a coupon or a percentage off - which I knew there was not, but still appreciated.

Just as she is ready to bag up my item, she gives the paper another once over and says "You know what...you do get something with your purchase" Hmm, maybe it was a free bottle of hairspray or something - this was a beauty store. Much to my dismay she pulls this (see photo) from behind the counter and says "Aren't you lucky...a dancing, singing 13-inch Santa Claus!"

I knew right away I didn't want the damn thing and I also was keenly aware no one I knew would want it either. Too cheesy for me or anyone else, too many choking hazards to give to a child. So, ever so politely, I thanked her for the offer, but said I didn't need it and she could make someone else "happy" with it. Oh no...she wasn't having that. She gave me many suggestions on people in my life I could give it to. Then I told her I didn't celebrate Christmas, so it wouldn't be of use to me. Instead of just saying "okay" and putting the horrid Santa back with the others she bagged it, pushed it at me and said firmly "Well, you're stuck with it." I finished my transaction in shock and left with two large bags - only one of which I wanted.

Stuck with a free GWP? WTF? Anyone need a cheesy dancing, singing Santa? It's in my trunk.

The Weather Outside is Frightful & Indy Drivers are Not Delightful

Okay people. I'll give you the part about the record snowfall for Indianapolis - Yes, it was the largest since 1917...but it still wasn't any worse that what you could get daily living in Michigan or on the East Coast! It took me 4.5 hours to get home 15 miles last night. So, for those of you listening, here are so basic traffic rules and courtesies I believe you should extend while driving in these conditions:

Yellow Lights: Under regular circumstances, it may be okay to speed up and go through...when it's snowing so badly that you cannot see in front of you, you should actually stop so that the ass of your vehicle is not in the middle of the intersection blocking the oncoming traffic from the opposite direction. In case you weren't aware, this can triple the amount of time all of us have to sit in line.

Horns: I agree, horns can be delightful and amusing to use in many circumstances (like when you're on 38th St. in the middle of the Summer and a crazy man with a Ghetto Blaster is dancing at the corner or even when it's State Fair time and individuals sporting Mullets are out in full force). However, when the other 500 cars in front of me are only going 3mph, your horn is not going to make a damn bit of difference.

Excessive Switching of Lanes: You are in Indianapolis. You are not competing in the Indy 500. Switching lanes will not get you anywhere faster and may result vicious expletives being slung at you through rolled down windows and perhaps a few middle fingers. The only incidence in which this might be acceptable is if you are reenacting the beginning of the movie "Office Space", but again, please use Winter driving discretion.

SUVs: Just because you enjoy ruining the environment and are a complete tool doesn't give you the right to forage your own path around everyone else patiently waiting in line. That's why yellow lines were created - stay in them or face a possible beating.

Fishtailing: Is not a skill. Is not cute and does not make women think you're the shit. In fact, it shows a great lack of proper breeding and it generally pisses other drivers off.

Black Friday - Who the Hell Are These People?

I just don't get it. Why would you camp out in a store's parking lot all night to get an extra $5 off a toaster? I'll tell you why...because you're an idiot and you have nothing better to do with your time than trample people and engage in a fist fight over the last X-Box 360. I would be more likely to understand if it were senior citizens with depression-era mentality doing this, but in most cases these people are my age!

On the other hand, you people do give those of us with real lives something to laugh at. Case in point, check out this video clip from a West Michigan Walmart:

http://video.woodtv.com/index.php?video_id=1837

My favorite Black Friday quote from this video clip: "I don't think I should have to get beat up to get a sale!" Maybe not to get a sale, but for getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to go stand in line outside of a Walmart in Indianapolis...well, you deserve a thump or two.

Note: For a more detailed description of Black Friday and a fantastic customer service perspective - please see Jennie's blog at http://jmathur.bravejournal.com/

Kiss My Tiara

Welcome Friends!
Here is where you can find out about the day to day happenings of April - a Cynical, Smartass Working Girl & Drama Queen. Many thanks to my friend Jennie, who has shown me the joy that can be had blogging and bitching about the idiocy of the general population.