What's the Most Bizarre Thing That Happened to You Today?

I'll tell you mine. Tonight at a Shell Gas Station a man started serenading me. While I am accustomed to a bit of oggling, (as noted earlier in another post) this has never happened. I had just gotten my hair cut and blown out and I must admit I looked a bit saucy. So I'm pumping my gas, minding my own beeswax and this dude is at the pump across from me singing. I thought at first he was talking to himself, but no - he was serenading me with James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" which was also blaring from his car radio. It was so damn random, I didn't even know what to do. He was pointing at me and smiling as he serenaded. I honestly thought I was being taped for a reality show or something. He had to have been about 22 years old and I was in Broadripple Village - which could explain it - Drunk/Stoned Frat Boy (I am very familiar with this type of oggling).

I mean, I've seen bizarre stuff before. Random things happen to me and my friends all the time, but nothing this random to me - alone. Rewind a year and Jennie and I are in Manhattan strolling when a man on roller skates tosses a bottle at us and yells at Jennie for breaking up with him and breaking his heart - But that's Manhattan for you. And again last summer in D.C. when a group of us went out for dinner and libation during Jennie and Anu's wedding weekend and we watched a man chug a gallon of milk like a 40 oz beer outside a 7-11 and then wound up at a convenience store rave (Thanks to Mark for bringing this back up as Jennie likes to roll her eyes when Brian and I mention it).

So back to the James Blunt thing. I am familiar with the tune. But I had to go home and make sure I re-read the lyrics. Here is the portion that was sung at me and upon reading the lyrics, it explains quite a bit:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do,

Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was, Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

1. I am beautiful...it's true.

2. The Shell Gas Station was a crowded place.

3. He could have easily been "fucking high".

4. We did share a moment. Sadly, it didn't last.

He was still serenading as I pulled away, so flustered that I forgot my receipt. Maybe I should visit gas stations in Broadripple Village more often. Maybe next time I'll get Dave Matthews Band "Dreamgirl". One can only hope.

So - what's the most bizarre thing that happened to you today? or any day? I'd love to hear it.

The Best Independent Films of All Time - So I Say

I am a huge independent movie fan...huge! It's disheartening that so little people actually get to see these great pieces of art when they first come out at the theater. I feel fortunate that I live in big city where this option is open to me. At least you can find them on Netflix now. And because it is Sundance Film Festival time - I thought I'd do a post about some of the greatest Indie films I've ever seen. There are some fantastic films hitting arthouse theaters right now - Breakfast on Pluto, Brokeback Mountain and Steven Soderberg's Bubble. I know some of the following movies made it into larger venues, but my picks started in arthouse theaters.

First, let's talk about the 2005 picks:
Broken Flowers - You really have to understand Indie films to like this. I went on a day where many senior citizens were in the theater because they'd read it got such rave reviews. At the end, they were bitching up a storm that the movie had no real ending. They clearly didn't understand that sometimes in films, the characters never have happy endings or resolutions at all. If you like this, see Jarmuch's Stranger Than Paradise.
Capote - I saw this flick with my friend Pam. I thought I'd be annoyed at PSH's voice, but alas, I got past it & this movie was great. I certainly hope he wins the Oscar for this role. It has inspired me to read more of Capote's works, right now it's a book of short stories.
Junebug - Not many people even knew this was out. A simple story of big town vs. small town life. Amy Adams is great in her role.
The Ballad of Jack and Rose - First of all, Daniel Day Lewis is major eye candy. But this film is really about a father and daughter isolated on an East Coast commune who grapple with the limits of family and sexuality when mainlainders come into their world. The soundtrack is alot of Bob Dylan and is equally impressive.
Kung Fu Hustle - I was into this from beginning to end. Just a really cool flick.
The Constant Gardener - First read the book. Coming from my own public health insight and having an understanding of the plight of the AIDS epidemic in the both the US & Africa helps to put this film into perspective. It also gives a nice overview of the "spoils" of pharmaceutical companies. Plus, staring at Ray Fiennes for 2 hours isn't hard to do.

Now for my all-time Indie favorites (In no particular order):
Grey Gardens (Warning: You have to be a gay man or me to like this film) - Amores Perros - Lawndogs (Thanks to Jennie) - Happiness - Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas - Waiting for Guffman - Secretary (Jennie and I are still practicing S&M after we saw this together) - Kids - Clerks - The Royal Tenenbaums - Slacker - Roger & Me - Cube - Swingers - Requiem for a Dream - Run Lola Run - Man Bites Dog - Pink Flamingos - Sideways - Resevoir Dogs - Napoleon Dynamite - Garden State - Lost in Translation - Crash - The Virgin Suicides - Igby Goes Down - I Heart Huckabees - Spun - Rushmore - I Shot Andy Warhol - Four Rooms - Buffalo 66 - Grosse Point Blank - In the Company of Men - Drugstore Cowboy - City of God - Gasoline (A hot Italian lesbian flick Jennie and I saw)

Please feel free to add! I know someone or some-woman who's going to add The Evil Dead.

Do You Have a Penis? If So, I Think I Can Help.

Our internet service provider at H&H is pretty decent. Notice I said "pretty decent." I am not getting half the spam I used to these days. But one topic keeps getting through at an alarming pace: penis mail. Penis enlarging, penis hardening and general penis mail at the rate of at least four a day. Here are some examples of titles in my inbox along with my own commentary:

"Do You Want the High Hard One?" - Yes, perhaps. But have you seen the types of people they get to endorse the products? I would like these companies to think long and hard (pun intended) about whom they choose to model the product - they might want to start with 'attractive' as one of the initial standards.
"The Enlonginator - Rock Hard..." - Even if I had a penis, I wouldn't choose a product that reminded me of Arnold Schwarznegger, which would remind me of Republicans, which would make me loose my erection.
"Get at Least Three More Inches" - At least three? Try six and you've got me.
"Please Your Partner for Hours" - Doing what? I can be pleasured for hours by shopping at Saks. You've got to give me more to go on here.

The least they could do would be to change things up and send me some breast enlargement advertisements - something I could actually ponder. So anyway, if you have a penis and are interested, let me know and I'll put you on my forwarding list.

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned....

It has been three months since I have last lusted for a High School boy....

Okay, so back in the Spring and Fall many of us (Jennie, Sarah & I) were relegated to taking height and weight measurements on High School students in Indianapolis as part of a CDC grant. The Health Department didn't hire enough overpaid ($15/hour) interns, so we had to do some of it. During one of our sessions Sarah commented: "No wonder these teachers are having sex with their students." Now, the three of us are not talking about illegal stuff here - we are strictly talking about the 18 year olds - 6 feet tall, brown hair and non-pubescent voices.

Forward three months and I am at Cardinal Ritter Catholic High School getting ready to talk asthma meds with the school's athletic director and a nurse. I am kindly given Jesse - the tour guide - at the beginning of my venture. Jesse informs me that he is a Senior who plays three varsity sports and is going to Notre Dame to play football. Jesse also likes science (bonus). Jesse is also 6'2 with brown hair and brown eyes and looks like he just got back from Spring Break. Jesse also smells like Drakkar or something like it. Jesse is also my new best friend for over an hour. I felt like I should have gone to confession for my impure thoughts. Don't judge me.

He stuck around while I was chatting with some of the school staff to make sure I was "taken care of." He finally left for a bit when I sat down with the nurse and I said "Well, he was very kind." She laughed and said "I think he liked you too. Bet you don't have High School boys oggling you at your normal job." She's right there - I work in a building with hundreds of people and I'll bet 90% of them are women - Jennie is the only one who oggles me on any kind of normal basis. Okay, well I'll also add the dancing man with the ghetto-blaster on 38th because he's quite the oggler and Otis our Janitor and some of our building security guards because they seem to fancy themselves some white girls.

Finally, Jesse came back to walk me to the door and said "Have a nice evening...mam." Ugh, the dreaded "mam". Well, maybe it's the Mrs. Robinson complex? One can only hope.

Chuck E. Cheese - The Reason Valium was Created

Last night we all gathered at the 38th St. Chuck E. Cheese for JaNyla's 6th Birthday Party. After five minutes in the joint, you can clearly understand where the idea for Valium came from. There were no less than 200 children in the place, most of them sans parents. There was at least a 8/1 kid-to-parent ratio. Also, the audio frequency/high pitched screaming in the room was slightly akin to the Thrill Kill Cult/Marilyn Manson concert I attended in 97'. There were so many people in that place that there was no way to "police" anything - proven later when Esther saw a woman take a "five finger discount" of cotton candy.

That being said, there was much to celebrate and many laughs - at the expense of a woman whose hairdo looked like a chocolate-vanilla twist cone (which will be published when my film is done), a 50-ish couple making out in one of the children's photo booths and Mr. Joe daring JaNyla's Dad, Jeff to "pants" Chuck E. Cheese. Esther, Valerie and I noted that the amount of adults collecting tickets in order to procure the kind of prizes normally reserved for Dollar Stores often outnumbered the amount of children. My favorite was a man with a Jolly Green Giant shirt on that had scantily clad women instead of broccoli and the Jolly Green Giant was yelling "Hoes..Hoes...Hoes."

Now, I could commiserate with Chuck E. Cheese a bit because I myself (and many of my co-workers) have played mascots in the past. In fact, Jennie and I would probably duke it out over who is the best beaver in town - literally and figuratively. The only difference was about 150 more kids tugging at your mouse tail, spilling their soda all over your soft, grey fur and punching you haphazardly in the crotchal area. After viewing this, one could certainly understand if Chuck E. had a minor crack habit. All in all, JaNyla had a great time running about with her friends and playing games, as did Mr. Joe - who engaged in a Skeetball "bowl off" with Miss Apers. One thing Chuck E. Cheese has going for it, besides beer - adults can amuse themselves taking grainy, black and white photos to show friends or post on their blogs. Here is JaNyla the Birthday Girl and a slightly sedated Miss Apers with her most prized possession of the night - a photo with the man/mouse himself. I think we make a nice couple.

An Important Public Service Announcement

A friend from college sent me this today. In case you can't read it, it says "Everytime you masturbate...God kills a kitten. Please think of the kittens." Many of you know how much I adore my two fur babies - so does anyone have a home for a Hitachi Body Massager? Kidding people, kidding.

Dirty Hot Cowboy Love

Jennie and I recently had a date to see Brokeback Mountain at the newly opened Keystone at the Crossing Theater. They closed the old arthouse theater and replaced it with a hip new venue at Keystone - pretty snazzy. I had previously read the play and couldn't wait to see Jake and Heath get it on. No disappointments here! Aside from the fact that the movie was a beautiful love story - many things were learned. Some of which were:
1. Indianapolis is loaded with gay men - Yippee! I consider myself (and have been told) that I am quite a fag-hag...so this really brings out the best in me. There were more gays lined up for this film than teenage girls buying hoochie shorts at Abercrombie & Fitch.
2. If I had a penis - I would have had a boner. This was a phrase I uttered into Jennie's ear at the point of the movie that first showed back door action - dirty hot cowboy love.
3. You can drink at the new Indie Theater in Indy. Yes, my friends, you can get boozed and watch dirty hot cowboy love with your best girl friend...can life be any better? And, they don't serve crap beer - Nascar fans need not apply - this is the good stuff. We even noted a few gay men sharing a bottle of Charles Shaw with real glass wineglasses.
4. I don't care who you are - if we are out in the wilderness, several days without showering and all we have to eat are beans...I am not having sex with you - not even dirty hot cowboy sex. No matter how hard you try!
5. Go see it!
6. Did I mentioned the dirty hot cowboy love?